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I did not see this coming

October 26, 2018

 

welcome back friends

 

Sorry for a bit of a hiatus. I am sure you have been eagerly awaiting new content here on The Halcyon Girl and trust me, I have been too. But it has been unusually hard to get my mind focused on positivity and I thought that’s what this blog deserved.

 

But with more time away from writing about my life and my mental illness, positivity seemed harder and harder to produce. So, days turned to weeks and I was still stuck looking at a blank page.

 

These past few weeks have been hard. Really hard. And I’d love to sit down and tell you why it was so hard. Or tell you how I got through it. That’s what this blog has become—that’s who I had become.

 

But I forgot how low the lows can be. I have been on medication, gone to therapy and seen success for the past 2 years. I talked often about seeing adversity as a strength, about believing that there was no finish line when it comes to digging yourself out of depression or dealing with mental illness. I believed it… I still believe in it wholeheartedly. But I forgot what it feels like to stumble.

 

I am not discrediting my writing or my posts on here because I’m always honest to the best of my ability; on The Halcyon Girl, on social media, and in life to the extent that sometimes I think I’m too honest when I see the looks on people’s faces.

 

I’m just trying not to lie by omission.

 

In the past few weeks, I felt myself slipping back into depression. I was taking my medication, living normally, and seeing no alarms in my life that would cause concern. Then, getting up in the morning started feeling harder with each passing day. I missed obligations, avoided work that wouldn’t have normally phased me, and began to expect myself to let people down on a daily basis. It was exactly how I felt 2 years ago when I started this blog.

 

But it didn’t feel acceptable. I was past this, and if it crept back in, I should be able to dismiss it. Yet, it didn’t go away. How could people understand this... relapse? Was this a relapse? Hadn’t I used up my mental health excuses 2 years ago?

 

As anyone would guess, this thought process did anything but help; it made me lie to others about how I was doing and lie to myself. Which made these thoughts only creep in more, it made my confidence and sense of self dissipate even quicker. Funny how years of recovery and strength can feel gone as if I had snapped my fingers and lost it.

 

Why write now?

 

I decided to start being honest again. I am starting to find small wins everyday that sometimes seem trivial. I let myself cry. I am acknowledging what’s going on, even if I can’t put a label or trigger on it. I am forgiving myself so I can move forward.

 

I am starting to feel better—for reasons I will probably never fully understand—and so the confidence to share what’s inside my head is also coming back to life. I am trying to balance optimism with reality, because the reality is that I did not see this coming. And in the future, I’m willing to bet I won’t see it coming then either.

 

So, there you go. That’s the most positivity I can share right now and I hope you’re okay with that because I’m also learning to be okay with it. You deserve honesty and I am finally willing to give it.

 

I won’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I made that decision when I first started this blog, when I first wrote that article for the Odyssey, and when I first made connections with people from writing through the complexity I was feeling. I’m sticking to that.

 

 

I hope it can still resonate with you.

 

Thank you.

 

 

ally

 

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