Sometimes I can just sit, listen to music, and go through a mental list of everything I have in my life that no one else has. I think about my family, my education, my experiences, my friends, my health... I won't bore you with what I'm thankful for. But sometimes, when I think about it all, I feel absolutely nothing. And then sometimes I feel the most genuine joy I am capable of feeling. Then it goes back to nothing.
For the past couple of years it's been like this. On and off, two extremes, sometimes I'm somewhere in the middle. There are a million labels for this and a million ways to "fix" it. I've gone to multiple therapists, tried multiple medications, but the moment I decided to start this blog in the first place is when I realized something. It's something that I repeat to myself and to others anytime I am talking about what goes on in my head.
The only person that can help me, is me.
It might sound stupid or obvious but it's something I struggle with. When I'm panicking at night about my lack of excitement for the future or how I can never go back to the past... I call people. But each conversation I have always leads me back to the same conclusion. I hang up the phone, stop crying, and tell myself, "You are the only one that can stop this. You're the only one that can change the course of your thoughts or even your life. So stop crying and do something about it."
This sometimes works. Most of the time I just climb into bed and wait until I feel better. But sometimes I feel something click; something that wipes away my tears, clenches my fists, and helps me stand back up. And each time I can do this for myself, it makes the next time easier.
I don't have an answer for anyone who goes through something difficult. You don't even have to go through anything difficult to feel like someone has their hand on your chest, pushing down until you can't breathe. That's been something really hard for me to learn and accept. Everything can go exactly right and yet everything can feel so out of place; you can feel so out of place.
Some people would take one look at me and think they have me figured out. Some better people would try to figure me out and help me with whatever hand I've been dealt. But, in the end, it doesn't matter. If there's one thing to take away from everything that I write it's that nothing matters if you can't be there to support yourself; to be the only thing holding you up when you feel like you're going to collapse.
If you can't climb into bed each night and be satisfied with who you are, then nothing else will matter.
I can write very happy things and sometimes I write some very dark things but that's just kind of where I'm at right now in life; I'm all over the place. Happy one minute, sad the next. But, I'm figuring everything out. That's why I created this blog, because I'm still figuring everything out. It's easy to have good days and tell myself, "This is it. You've done it. You made it." But the truth is, I'm always working on being satisfied with the person I am at the end of the day. I'd like to think we are all working on that because I don't believe that we can ever stop improving who we are. If we stopped trying to improve, the world might as well stop turning.
So to end this post, and to anyone who made it this far I applaud you, I want you to take away two things...
1. It doesn't matter who you are, what you're going through, what you have been through... be satisfied with the person you get to walk around as every day. Be satisfied with the person you get to go to sleep as every night.
2. Don't ever feel ashamed that you're a work in progress. There is no final product of who you are.
Thank you for reading.
۞ ally ۞