I can remember one night this past semester where I was sitting in my bed, freaking out about something. I can't even remember what it was that I was freaking out about, but it was clear to both me and my roommate that I was stressed. My roommate, Hanna, being the darling that she is, asked me what was going on. I told her that I had a huge test the next day that I was pretty sure I hadn't prepared enough for, or I had to speak in front of a large group of people for student government and was scared I was going to fuck it up. Those are just examples, but like I said, I don't remember what the actual issue was.
After hearing me out, Hanna took a minute to process it all, and then looked up at me and said...
"Isn't it crazy that we get so anxious and so worried about things that we have no clue will happen or not?"
I kind of sat back in my bed and thought about it for a second. My entire life, being the perfectionist, Type A nerd that I was, has been spent worrying about the future. Yet, the future isn't even a concrete concept. When we think about the future, we think of specific things. I think of graduating college, traveling the world, starting my career, having a family... yet the future is really just this elusive thing that we'll never be able to touch.
It's like how people say that "tomorrow doesn't exist." It's so true; we only know the present and therefore only know today. The same thing applies to the future; we see what we want to see or what we don't want to see and are afraid will happen, yet the future doesn't exist. We are worrying about something that legitimately DOES NOT EXIST.
Of course I didn't think of all of that in the 0.2 seconds it took me to respond to Hanna, but what she said really struck something in me. Being this person that places so much emphasis on my expected future, it made me feel silly. Whether it was getting anxious about college, getting anxious about boys or school or life; I can never know what will come. So, instead of choosing to worry my life away, I should choose to live for what I'm experiencing right now. If only it were that simple...
۞ ally ۞